Felix looks healthy on the outside but for the past few weeks we can’t seem to get his ANC where it needs to be. He has been breezing through treatment with hiccups here and there but recently he’s been neutropenic more often then the dr’s and harris and I would like. Starting school is making me very anxious. Not being with him all day I can’t make sure he’s doing what needs to be done to stay healthy and it’s driving me mad. Yes today was the first day of school and I’m already beyond worried. What I want people to understand is that a simple cold could send Felix to the hospital for weeks. With school starting that means I have to leave my house and have potential conversations with some lovely people but with the amount of anxiety I’m holding onto it’s a struggle , the truth is my head fills with fear about having long conversations. Most days as sad as it sounds I can’t even talk to my closest friends or siblings. I’m stuck in my own head spinning around thoughts of what if’s and obsessively researching childhood leukemia. I’ve not only developed PTSD but major insomnia; night after night after I get the kids to bed I just research and compare treatments and symptoms till i notice it’s 4 a.m. I’m tired! I need to stop comparing Felix with other kids with cancer although I know every kids treatment is different and their little bodies react differently I can’t stop; I just want to learn every potential outcome and any options that are out there. I just want to be prepared for whatever way his cancer decides to go. And I hope and pray it chooses to GO AWAY!!